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An 11-Step Program

PENIS FLY TRAP home page

STEP TWO: How To Drink Beer And Keep Your Job

Here is a list of supplies you will need:


BreathSavers (TM) brand mint

peppermint only (blue pack) This is important. There really is not a better mint.


Generic Aspirin

$1.59 avg. price -- 3 tablets before bed


Orange Soda


Meister Bräu

just 50 cents a can


Don't drink more than six beers on a "school night." Remember, you need this job to buy beer. If six is too much or too little for you, one beer under your average tolerance will suffice. If you don't know your tolerance level, figure it out. Here's a simple formula to help you:



Attempt to count the number of drinks that you consume on any given weekend day for three consecutive weekends.



Total the sum of the numbers you remembered and divide by 3.



Multiply that by the diameter of your television set times 1.15 and subtract the difference between that number and the number of times you go to the bathroom after two beers if that number is prime, or that number and the sum total of sexual partners you've had minus two, if that number (the diameter of your television set times 1.15) is a whole number.


Remember, you don't want to be drunk. You just want to get that little, splendid buzz on. One trick to not getting too drunk is to start drinking as soon as you get up and have one beer every hour for 12 hours straight. This may not be the method for you. Another way is to drink 3 beers in 20 minutes then switch to Rum and Coke. But you should stay away from mixed drinks on a school night. Whichever way, try not to get too drunk and get at least six hours sleep before going to work. Take 3 generic aspirin and have a small meal with a glass of orange soda before going to bed. If you're not stocked with BreathSavers brand peppermint mints in the blue pack, pick some up on the way to work. It will help if you have a job where you're not working your ass off the minute you get to your desk. Try to do those little non-work tasks like clearing your desk or collecting office supplies until you feel like being productive. Say smart things now and then so people think you are concentrating on your work. Things like: "I can't believe Suzie lost the Wendelson file again." And, "When are we going to get more memory!" Have a light lunch. Tuna fish or chicken salad will make you a little less sleepy so you can have that post-lunch edge over your listless co-workers. They've worked hard all morning and now they're tired. Meanwhile, you've only worked half-a-day and when 5:00 comes 'round you're raring to go. Raring to go home and drink beer. In order to accentuate your day, it is important to have a cold, refrigerated beer waiting to greet you when you get home.


next in the series


Get A Girlfriend


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